Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Ag! I think the freakin' disease is coming back. I thought I was finally over it, but I can feel it creeping back again. This overwhelming tendency to obsess and resurrect things that should be left alone. I can't control it, and I'm starting to get desperate. It hasn't bothered me for a surprisingly long time, so I thought, finally, I'm free of it. It's really over. But it's back. Maybe it's because I've discovered new things about it, new things to obsess about all over again--I really should never have found out because it makes me obsess about the whos and what ifs. Maybe it's the time of the year that's the problem. Or maybe I'm just plain masochistic.
I remember back in high school, something happened. Something petty, really. I was still in my tactless phase back then. A classmate casually asked me if I had a problem, and I blurted out without thinking, "You, you're my problem." Don't know why I said that. My sarcasm getting the better of me. Regretted those words as soon as they popped out, especially since my classmate actually looked shocked, and maybe a little hurt. I kept obsessing about it for weeks, months maybe, even though my classmate eventually forgot about it. That's the problem with my conscience. It never shuts up. The guilt only left me when I finally managed to apologize for it during our retreat (we were given the chance to apologize for things we'd done wrong to others), even though she seemed to have forgotten about it already, and was surprised when I brought it up.
But there would never be a resolution to this. No way of fixing things. I'm not the type of person who can easily let go of my pride and do something and make the first move to fix past mistakes. So, I guess I'll just keep feeling this ridiculous sense of regret and thinking of what ifs. Unless someone can give me some sort of cup of forgetfulness or something to erase my memory altogether...
And I'm not making sense am I? Shut up, Edlyn.
# Lyn found a missing piece @ 1:24 PM 
