Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Guilt tripping myself
I don't know why, but I feel so...scared and inadequate lately. Maybe it's because of all the panic being brought by the upcoming Fine Arts Festival. Everything's happening so fast. And I'm not sure if I'm ready with what I need to produce yet. Everything I've done these past four years in Ateneo will all boil down to this one week in January. I won't be able to hide from it any longer. Am I a writer? Do I have what it takes to be one? Will I be able to survive once I get out of this university?
I don't feel confident at all with my entry for the book anthology. Friends have said that they liked it, but after I'd gotten the review from Ma'am Karla, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know. I just feel as if I'd failed in getting the real point of the piece across. The OC in me has been making itself heard a lot lately. I can't help but keep feeling as if I have to keep on proving something to myself and to others. What, I don't even know. Maybe it's because this piece is going to be published along with others that are so good, they just make you realize how mediocre you yourself are.
And then, there's my individual thesis. Nothing's happening to it. Oh, I have the essays. The planner, though, is still nothing more than a concept paper and a vague dream. I know nothing of graphic design and making layouts, so I asked Lewellyn for help. But I really don't want to pressure her these says, especially since our computer conked out on us, and she's struggling to rebuild everything she's done that got lost when the computer broke down on us. She says that she can still do it. I feel guilty enough as it is, though, bothering her with my own thesis. But I don't know who else to turn to for help. Everyone else is so busy with his/her own thesis.
Guilt. That's another thing. I feel guilty about the fine arts festival thing and the book anthology. Sure, I've worked the publisher end of the job and assisted with dealing with others for their works, but I can't help but feel as if it's not enough. It's never enough. I see Jay in the mac lab, and I read his emails, and I see how he's been run ragged these past several weeks. I want to help, but I don't know how. I don't know anything about what he does. I can try to learn, but I'm no fast learner when it comes to graphic design. He says it's okay. That he understands. But the guilt is still there. It won't go away.
I don't feel confident at all with my entry for the book anthology. Friends have said that they liked it, but after I'd gotten the review from Ma'am Karla, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know. I just feel as if I'd failed in getting the real point of the piece across. The OC in me has been making itself heard a lot lately. I can't help but keep feeling as if I have to keep on proving something to myself and to others. What, I don't even know. Maybe it's because this piece is going to be published along with others that are so good, they just make you realize how mediocre you yourself are.
And then, there's my individual thesis. Nothing's happening to it. Oh, I have the essays. The planner, though, is still nothing more than a concept paper and a vague dream. I know nothing of graphic design and making layouts, so I asked Lewellyn for help. But I really don't want to pressure her these says, especially since our computer conked out on us, and she's struggling to rebuild everything she's done that got lost when the computer broke down on us. She says that she can still do it. I feel guilty enough as it is, though, bothering her with my own thesis. But I don't know who else to turn to for help. Everyone else is so busy with his/her own thesis.
Guilt. That's another thing. I feel guilty about the fine arts festival thing and the book anthology. Sure, I've worked the publisher end of the job and assisted with dealing with others for their works, but I can't help but feel as if it's not enough. It's never enough. I see Jay in the mac lab, and I read his emails, and I see how he's been run ragged these past several weeks. I want to help, but I don't know how. I don't know anything about what he does. I can try to learn, but I'm no fast learner when it comes to graphic design. He says it's okay. That he understands. But the guilt is still there. It won't go away.
So guilty that I get quite nasty, acutally. A pyschologist would have a field day with me. Projecting your own sins on others, aren't you?
I hate myself when I become like this. Getting nasty, as nasty as those girls I've come to despise during my Poveda years. Always setting so many standards for myself, comparing myself to everyone else, then feeling like such a failure for not being able to meet those standards. I wish I can be as confident as other people and just be able to do my job without constantly worrying over whether I've done as much as the next person or not. I wish I can believe that I'm not as bad as I sometimes think I am.
I hate myself when I become like this. Getting nasty, as nasty as those girls I've come to despise during my Poveda years. Always setting so many standards for myself, comparing myself to everyone else, then feeling like such a failure for not being able to meet those standards. I wish I can be as confident as other people and just be able to do my job without constantly worrying over whether I've done as much as the next person or not. I wish I can believe that I'm not as bad as I sometimes think I am.
# Lyn found a missing piece @ 9:00 PM 
