Monday, January 09, 2006
One week left
The Fine Arts Festival--what we've all been sweating over these past several months--is next week. Yes, next week. Not a month from now, not even a couple of weeks away. Next week. In less than seven days, the fine arts block '06 will have to be ready--physically, emotionally and technically--to showcase four years worth of sweat, blood and tears.
For once I want to prove to everyone, and to myself, that I can do this, that I can be what they expect me to be, and more besides. I want to prove that I'm not a failure.
But compared to what the others are doing, my thesis project is just...what? A planner? Something that will lie there, unnoticed? I'm afraid that Missy will see that. She's got this theater arts background, so she's really into performance and big showcase and stuff. I know that she will find something lacking in my own thesis project... that she'll find it too invisible for her taste. I can hear her saying it again--Edlyn, you're holding back again. Not that I actually understand exactly what she'd meant by that when she'd said it before.
But I can feel the stress and tension weighing us all down. I don't think I've had a good night's sleep in weeks. I feel all hollowed out and limp. There's this terror inside of me that just won't go away, no matter what I try to do, no matter how good some things go. This fear that says that everything we'd worked so hard for will come crashing down on us and declare us a bunch of failures. Or maybe, just me.
And that's just the practicum. What about theo...or philo...or my FA classes? God...I've focused myself so much on this one subject that I can feel myself slipping in those other classes. Theo's getting harder and harder. I still can't understand what we're studying in Iconography, and even nonfiction workshop isn't giving me the motivation that I need. And the Philo long test...it's on Monday...the first night of our FA festival.
God help me.
For once I want to prove to everyone, and to myself, that I can do this, that I can be what they expect me to be, and more besides. I want to prove that I'm not a failure.
But compared to what the others are doing, my thesis project is just...what? A planner? Something that will lie there, unnoticed? I'm afraid that Missy will see that. She's got this theater arts background, so she's really into performance and big showcase and stuff. I know that she will find something lacking in my own thesis project... that she'll find it too invisible for her taste. I can hear her saying it again--Edlyn, you're holding back again. Not that I actually understand exactly what she'd meant by that when she'd said it before.
But I can feel the stress and tension weighing us all down. I don't think I've had a good night's sleep in weeks. I feel all hollowed out and limp. There's this terror inside of me that just won't go away, no matter what I try to do, no matter how good some things go. This fear that says that everything we'd worked so hard for will come crashing down on us and declare us a bunch of failures. Or maybe, just me.
And that's just the practicum. What about theo...or philo...or my FA classes? God...I've focused myself so much on this one subject that I can feel myself slipping in those other classes. Theo's getting harder and harder. I still can't understand what we're studying in Iconography, and even nonfiction workshop isn't giving me the motivation that I need. And the Philo long test...it's on Monday...the first night of our FA festival.
God help me.
# Lyn found a missing piece @ 8:30 PM 
