Sunday, April 23, 2006
Being on the Third Floor
Funny about choices and making them. When you're still in the process of choosing and have so many options before you, you feel miserable. The second-floor syndrome, I call it. Then, when you've finally made your choice, go down to the first floor and leave or go up to the third floor and stick to it, you're also miserable. The human flaw, the inability to be happy with what you have and where you are.
Alam ko para akong sirang plaka. Pero di ko mapigilang matakot.
I've made my choice. I enrolled myself in law school, despite the fact that I'd been taken off guard by the unexpected acceptance, and despite the fact that I only had four days after that initial shock to make up my mind once and for all. After all, I should have made up my mind already...I'd had four years to make up my mind. That should have been enough. So, why is it that, up till now, now that I'm already in deep right up to my chin, I still can't shake off the nagging feeling that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life?
I feel as if I was standing before a row of entrances into many different tunnels, trying to decide which one to walk through. And then, I suddenly chose to walk into one of the tunnels, because it seemed the safest, the least scary, and from where I was standing, I could see this light at the end of that particular tunnel. And then, I enter. And suddenly, nothing seems to be so certain anymore. I realize that the light I'd seen at the end of the tunnel had just been an illusion, an illusion that had fooled me because I was so desperate to make my choice. What's worse, the entrance behind me is steadily sealing itself shut as well. I'm trapped.
Over the past couple of weeks, ever since I went to that enrollment, and my mom paid the first installment for the first semester, I seem to hear about so many jobs that interest me. Of course there's funworks, which I might be forced to quit once the semester begins. I just started, and I already love it. Isn't it wonderful having a job (even if it's not a very prolific one) that you love? Isn't that what everyone longs for? Fine, that's only good for a part-time job. So, I see more jobs in jobstreet.com. There's this full-time job in ortigas or quezon city where you are given topics to research about, then you write about it for the website. Pay's not so high, and it's not the most exciting job researching, but I don't mind it so much, and it would give me the experience that other better companies are looking for. There are many companies looking for copywriters, copy editors...jobs that are actually related to what I'd studied for four years. Then, there's the montessori school idea. I'd already been making plans about that before I found out about the law school. Then, it was brought up again today when Yumi was talking about how the Crossroad pre-school was looking for teachers with montessori education.
What's the point, though? What's the use of reading about these opportunities and getting excited about them? I can't let myself think about them anymore. I'd reduced my options to one and made it my ONLY choice the moment I handed the check my mom had signed to the cashier at the Ateneo Law School. I don't have the right to go looking for more opportunities anymore, to think about other jobs anymore. Those are the breaks. Choose this, give up the rest.
"Unless a grain of wheat falls and dies, it remains a grain of wheat. but, if it falls to the earth and dies, it will bear much fruit," quoted the priest (in Tagalog) from the bible for the gospel the Sunday before I enrolled myself in law school.
So, this is what it meant. Death to the rest of your options so that one option can live and grow and make you into the person you should be. But how exactly do you figure which one should die, and which one should be allowed to live and grow? How exactly do you know if you've really made the right choice?
And why am I still even thinking about this? Give it up, kid! It's too late for you, grow up! You've made your choice. Live with it.
Alam ko para akong sirang plaka. Pero di ko mapigilang matakot.
I've made my choice. I enrolled myself in law school, despite the fact that I'd been taken off guard by the unexpected acceptance, and despite the fact that I only had four days after that initial shock to make up my mind once and for all. After all, I should have made up my mind already...I'd had four years to make up my mind. That should have been enough. So, why is it that, up till now, now that I'm already in deep right up to my chin, I still can't shake off the nagging feeling that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life?
I feel as if I was standing before a row of entrances into many different tunnels, trying to decide which one to walk through. And then, I suddenly chose to walk into one of the tunnels, because it seemed the safest, the least scary, and from where I was standing, I could see this light at the end of that particular tunnel. And then, I enter. And suddenly, nothing seems to be so certain anymore. I realize that the light I'd seen at the end of the tunnel had just been an illusion, an illusion that had fooled me because I was so desperate to make my choice. What's worse, the entrance behind me is steadily sealing itself shut as well. I'm trapped.
Over the past couple of weeks, ever since I went to that enrollment, and my mom paid the first installment for the first semester, I seem to hear about so many jobs that interest me. Of course there's funworks, which I might be forced to quit once the semester begins. I just started, and I already love it. Isn't it wonderful having a job (even if it's not a very prolific one) that you love? Isn't that what everyone longs for? Fine, that's only good for a part-time job. So, I see more jobs in jobstreet.com. There's this full-time job in ortigas or quezon city where you are given topics to research about, then you write about it for the website. Pay's not so high, and it's not the most exciting job researching, but I don't mind it so much, and it would give me the experience that other better companies are looking for. There are many companies looking for copywriters, copy editors...jobs that are actually related to what I'd studied for four years. Then, there's the montessori school idea. I'd already been making plans about that before I found out about the law school. Then, it was brought up again today when Yumi was talking about how the Crossroad pre-school was looking for teachers with montessori education.
What's the point, though? What's the use of reading about these opportunities and getting excited about them? I can't let myself think about them anymore. I'd reduced my options to one and made it my ONLY choice the moment I handed the check my mom had signed to the cashier at the Ateneo Law School. I don't have the right to go looking for more opportunities anymore, to think about other jobs anymore. Those are the breaks. Choose this, give up the rest.
"Unless a grain of wheat falls and dies, it remains a grain of wheat. but, if it falls to the earth and dies, it will bear much fruit," quoted the priest (in Tagalog) from the bible for the gospel the Sunday before I enrolled myself in law school.
So, this is what it meant. Death to the rest of your options so that one option can live and grow and make you into the person you should be. But how exactly do you figure which one should die, and which one should be allowed to live and grow? How exactly do you know if you've really made the right choice?
And why am I still even thinking about this? Give it up, kid! It's too late for you, grow up! You've made your choice. Live with it.
# Lyn found a missing piece @ 8:05 PM 
Comments:
yes, deciding on one choice does mean the death to the other choices... but this act only shows the kind of freedom one exercises. di lang freedom eh, pati will. kasi one is prepared to accept that this one path is for her -- at ang tapang mo kasi ayun nga ang ginawa mo, edlynski. but it doesn't mean that this decision is the end of the road. that's (as migs teaches) DESPAIR. and you can't despair quite yet! because this choice would only lead to more choices na probably would only widen the horizon of the path you're undertaking.
gets mo ba? kuha ko na parang na tie down ka sa isang bagay, pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun na you will never be able to explore other opportunities. breastfriend naman, kaka-graduate lang natin. the world awaits!
anyway, i know that you're gonna do a great job in lawschool. as in seryoso, alam kong kayang kaya mo. and if you need to "explore other opportunities" (wink wink) andito lang ang breastfriend mo para samahan ka. :D
mag-rent na tayo sa makati para di ka na malungkot.
i love yah, breastfriend! mwaaah!!
gets mo ba? kuha ko na parang na tie down ka sa isang bagay, pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun na you will never be able to explore other opportunities. breastfriend naman, kaka-graduate lang natin. the world awaits!
anyway, i know that you're gonna do a great job in lawschool. as in seryoso, alam kong kayang kaya mo. and if you need to "explore other opportunities" (wink wink) andito lang ang breastfriend mo para samahan ka. :D
mag-rent na tayo sa makati para di ka na malungkot.
i love yah, breastfriend! mwaaah!!
ahahhaa tama ba namang i-philosophize ako? :P salamat sa mga payo mo :D
ang mahal kaya magrenta sa makati!
ang mahal kaya magrenta sa makati!
hindi kaya mahal!
nung isang araw lang nakakita ako ng studio type room sa greenbelt parkplace na P2,500 eh!
...ayoko lang kasi mag-isa. samahan mo na ako, edlynski.
breastfriends forever. :D
nung isang araw lang nakakita ako ng studio type room sa greenbelt parkplace na P2,500 eh!
...ayoko lang kasi mag-isa. samahan mo na ako, edlynski.
breastfriends forever. :D
ahahahah di na man ako magdedesisyon dun eh. gusto ng parents ko rin at least one year muna. kung di talaga kayang uwian at kung sigurado nang tuloy sa law, baka un...eh by then, my roomie ka na :D
lalang.. napadpad lang dto haha..
wow. nag-lawschl ka pala... hmm.. big decision nga.. oh well.. good luck. kaya mo yan ms santiago .. :)
wow. nag-lawschl ka pala... hmm.. big decision nga.. oh well.. good luck. kaya mo yan ms santiago .. :)
# posted by 
: 5:59 PM
: 5:59 PM
Hey dear... Don't worry. I'll help you find a place here. In fact, I know quite a few already, provided of course you're okay with my anime-fan friends. v^_^v And besides, you're always welcome in my place. v^_~v
Post a Comment
