Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Lost in translation
I envy children, whose future is still wide open, still blank slates waiting to be filled up. They are still free to create themselves, to direct the course of their lives.
Me? I'm no longer free. I've already placed myself in a path from which there is no return...or at best, from which, the path back to where I began has become steep, circuitous and even more difficult to trek than it had been. Going back, trying to change my destiny, the course of my life, will mean giving up everything I already have, putting to waste all my efforts, all my hard work, money and precious time already spent by me and those who supported me along the way, everything I've gone through to get myself to where I now stand. And then, there's no guarantee that the new course I will take, the person I will remake myself into will be better, will be the right one. Will finally be the direction that will lead to the future that will make me truly happy and content.
I envy those who did take the right path when they found themselves at a fork in the road wherein they had to make a choice. Those who knew, who've always known, what they wanted, where they wanted to go. Those people are pretty much guaranteed to find happiness. Because no matter how hard their chosen path might end up to be, at least they're doing something that truly makes them happy.
I didn't know what I wanted. I don't think I ever knew. I didn't know where my dream lay. So here I am, forging on, feeling lost, not quite happy or content. Somewhere, deep inside me, this voice keeps telling me that this is not the right path for me. That somewhere along the road, I took a wrong turn, and somehow, some way, I need to retrace my steps and get back on track. The only question is how...and what do I have to give up for it?
I envy those who, like me, made a wrong turn down the road, who found themselves in the wrong path, unhappy, discontented, but who had the guts, the will, to turn back and change their lives. They have the courage to realize that the path they are in is going nowhere and that the only way to go is back again.
I don't have the courage or the will. Every time I consider it, I think of the people I will hurt, the people I will disappoint. I can't help but think about what they will say. Instead, I just keep moving deeper and deeper into this mess I've found myself in.
And all I can hope for is that, somewhere along the way, maybe years from now, this path that I've taken will somehow, some way, intersect with the path that I was supposed to take.
Me? I'm no longer free. I've already placed myself in a path from which there is no return...or at best, from which, the path back to where I began has become steep, circuitous and even more difficult to trek than it had been. Going back, trying to change my destiny, the course of my life, will mean giving up everything I already have, putting to waste all my efforts, all my hard work, money and precious time already spent by me and those who supported me along the way, everything I've gone through to get myself to where I now stand. And then, there's no guarantee that the new course I will take, the person I will remake myself into will be better, will be the right one. Will finally be the direction that will lead to the future that will make me truly happy and content.
I envy those who did take the right path when they found themselves at a fork in the road wherein they had to make a choice. Those who knew, who've always known, what they wanted, where they wanted to go. Those people are pretty much guaranteed to find happiness. Because no matter how hard their chosen path might end up to be, at least they're doing something that truly makes them happy.
I didn't know what I wanted. I don't think I ever knew. I didn't know where my dream lay. So here I am, forging on, feeling lost, not quite happy or content. Somewhere, deep inside me, this voice keeps telling me that this is not the right path for me. That somewhere along the road, I took a wrong turn, and somehow, some way, I need to retrace my steps and get back on track. The only question is how...and what do I have to give up for it?
I envy those who, like me, made a wrong turn down the road, who found themselves in the wrong path, unhappy, discontented, but who had the guts, the will, to turn back and change their lives. They have the courage to realize that the path they are in is going nowhere and that the only way to go is back again.
I don't have the courage or the will. Every time I consider it, I think of the people I will hurt, the people I will disappoint. I can't help but think about what they will say. Instead, I just keep moving deeper and deeper into this mess I've found myself in.
And all I can hope for is that, somewhere along the way, maybe years from now, this path that I've taken will somehow, some way, intersect with the path that I was supposed to take.
# Lyn found a missing piece @ 4:24 PM 
